Portfolio Essay 3
Life as a single father, it has been a crazy ride but it’s been an amazing experience that I wouldn’t take back for the world. Being a father of a beautiful 5-year-old daughter, I can now say that life has showed me a whole new meaning of joy. The birth of my daughter has given me a whole new perspective of the phrase a “happy home.”
Before my daughter was born I was into drugs, sexual promiscuity & I suffered from a severe case of suicidal thoughts. After my daughter was born it was like my life changed overnight. The things that I was involved in lost the fulfillment that they once gave me. My state of mind went from me, myself & I to us, we & ours. Reality was showing me that no longer could I indulge myself in the activities that were jeopardizing my livelihood. So I vowed that I would make the necessary changes that would insure that I would be around to help raise this person that carried my name.
The pregnancy was an experience I would never forget. It was an emotional roller coaster. I never ate as much as I did during the pregnancy in my life; it was like I was eating for 2 like my girlfriend was. All the late night cravings, sexual increases & momentary arguments seemed to last forever. But it never detoured me from anticipating the arrival of my baby girl.
I could still remember the moment she was born. It was January 11, 2003; the time was 11:17am on a Saturday, exactly 1 week from the death of her great grandmother. I knew that all the stars were aligned for this glorious day. Her mother was in labor for over 32 hours, due to her cervix not thinning the doctor had to induce the labor because my girlfriend was over 2 weeks late & there was a overwhelmingly potential threat of a complicated delivery. It seemed every minute was like an hour. The birth classes & all the books that I read prior to the delivery didn’t prepare me for the moment that it was time for the delivery. I remember doing the breathing exercises with my girlfriend, & looking down towards the doctor & nurses who were with all their tools & instruments, I knew that at any minute I was going to be a father. After about 10 minutes I heard the doctor say push, so I stood up & walked down to the end of the bed. As I approached the end of the bed I heard a scream, not like any scream that I ever heard before. Immediately I knew that the scream that I heard was the scream of my daughter. After the scream I saw this 21-inch, 6 pound 8 ounce infant being carried towards me. All I could do is cry, because when I looked into my daughters eyes I noticed that she looked exactly like my father who died on December 17, 1995, almost 8 years prior. But my cry wasn’t a cry like a cry from morning, but it was a cry as of redemption. I cried for at least 15 minutes, after which I placed her under a heat lamp while the nurse checked her over. We named her Divinity Anne Marie Oliver, a name that I personally choose. Divinity was derived from the suffix Divine meaning “heavenly” The Anne was derived from her grandmother’s middle name, & the Marie was derived from my mother’s middle name.
We stayed in the hospital overnight to make sure that my daughter was all right. The following morning we brought Divinity home. All she did for the next 2-½ weeks was sleep, I never thought that anybody could sleep as much as she did; I mean all she did was eat, sleep & use the bathroom. I tried waking her up on numerous occasions to interact with her, but my attempts were always unsuccessful. After about the 3rd week it seemed like Divinity would sleep during the day, & be awake all night. So our sleep patterns were abruptly restructured. I would sit up with her for hours, looking into her eyes & she would laugh; at times it seemed like for no reason at all. She became my world, I would leave the house & right after I left the door I was rushing back in thinking I missed something important.
This lasted up to Divinity being about 7 months old. That’s when my happy home seemed to disappear. This was due to my girlfriend’s mother wanting Divinity to live with her, so she could be around Divinity. Something I thought would have never had happened, but to my surprise it did. My girlfriend choose moved back to her mother’s house & my happy home seemed to no longer exist. All I could feel was sorrow, anger & resentment. I felt sorrow because I felt like my daughter was being ripped from my arms. I felt anger because I never would of imagined that my girlfriend would allow anything to interfere with our happy home. And I felt resentment because my girlfriend’s mother came & altered the relationship between my daughter & me. To be honest, to this day I still harbor these emotions. I can’t seem to get over the reality that I’m not the father that I always imagined myself to be. I imagined the house with a picket fence, the loving wife & children; you know a real family. But contrary to what I wanted, this was the reality that I was given. The reality was that my child was leaving me, my girlfriend betrayed my trust & I was going to be a “part time” father.
When my girlfriend went back home I was devastated. However I had no idea of the emotional toll this was going to play in my everyday life. For weeks I couldn’t think of anything else but why was this happening to me. I couldn’t visit my daughter for to long because my emotional state was too difficult to contain. I missed my daughter’s 1st word, her 1st steps & all the other stuff that a parent gets to experience. And those memories can never be recaptured. What helped me to adapt to my daughter not being home anymore was mentally disconnecting myself from her. This may sound wrong but the emotional toll that it was taking on me was destroying me. So I had to make the choice that was best for my mental health.
After my daughter moved, my relationship with her mother seemed to leave with them. We split up when my daughter was 10 months old. Our relationship deteriorated for a number of reasons, but mainly because the hurt from her deciding to break up our happy home to please her mother was unforgivable. Our conversation was empty to say the least; the only time we spoke was either for financial support or me requesting to pick Divinity up.
My relationship with my daughter also was strained. Since I wasn’t an everyday figure in her life she didn’t know me. She was timid, quiet & she appeared to be confused about who I was. For a long time I couldn’t handle this but after a few events that occurred during the duration of her life. I learned that I had no control over anything that was happening & as soon as I took this perspective it was like I had an overwhelming amount of peace. Being without her physically didn’t affect me as it had once done before. After much prayer & a lot of patience the Lord mended our relationship, helped me forgive her mother, & taught me how to be the best parent I could be. Now our relationship is great, even though I still don’t get to see her smiling face everyday, I’ve learned to use the time we do get together to show her what life’s about.
In retrospect, writing this essay has brought back a lot of emotions that I forgot about, & some that I tried to forget. But through this essay I’ve learned that the idea of home to me is not dictated by where my daughter is, but it is truly the place that she will always be, in me… Acknowledging this has provided me with the closure that I needed to have to be able to move forward. Although our relationship didn’t work out, I have somewhat forgiven her mother for breaking up what I believed was our happy home. The forgiveness has taken me a long time to do, but everyday we get stronger right? I was asked a question. Is it a home without my daughter? At first I didn’t know how to respond. But in retrospect, looking back at where I’ve come from, to where I am now. I got to say my home has never left abandoned, yes there is a home without my daughter.
Before my daughter was born I was into drugs, sexual promiscuity & I suffered from a severe case of suicidal thoughts. After my daughter was born it was like my life changed overnight. The things that I was involved in lost the fulfillment that they once gave me. My state of mind went from me, myself & I to us, we & ours. Reality was showing me that no longer could I indulge myself in the activities that were jeopardizing my livelihood. So I vowed that I would make the necessary changes that would insure that I would be around to help raise this person that carried my name.
The pregnancy was an experience I would never forget. It was an emotional roller coaster. I never ate as much as I did during the pregnancy in my life; it was like I was eating for 2 like my girlfriend was. All the late night cravings, sexual increases & momentary arguments seemed to last forever. But it never detoured me from anticipating the arrival of my baby girl.
I could still remember the moment she was born. It was January 11, 2003; the time was 11:17am on a Saturday, exactly 1 week from the death of her great grandmother. I knew that all the stars were aligned for this glorious day. Her mother was in labor for over 32 hours, due to her cervix not thinning the doctor had to induce the labor because my girlfriend was over 2 weeks late & there was a overwhelmingly potential threat of a complicated delivery. It seemed every minute was like an hour. The birth classes & all the books that I read prior to the delivery didn’t prepare me for the moment that it was time for the delivery. I remember doing the breathing exercises with my girlfriend, & looking down towards the doctor & nurses who were with all their tools & instruments, I knew that at any minute I was going to be a father. After about 10 minutes I heard the doctor say push, so I stood up & walked down to the end of the bed. As I approached the end of the bed I heard a scream, not like any scream that I ever heard before. Immediately I knew that the scream that I heard was the scream of my daughter. After the scream I saw this 21-inch, 6 pound 8 ounce infant being carried towards me. All I could do is cry, because when I looked into my daughters eyes I noticed that she looked exactly like my father who died on December 17, 1995, almost 8 years prior. But my cry wasn’t a cry like a cry from morning, but it was a cry as of redemption. I cried for at least 15 minutes, after which I placed her under a heat lamp while the nurse checked her over. We named her Divinity Anne Marie Oliver, a name that I personally choose. Divinity was derived from the suffix Divine meaning “heavenly” The Anne was derived from her grandmother’s middle name, & the Marie was derived from my mother’s middle name.
We stayed in the hospital overnight to make sure that my daughter was all right. The following morning we brought Divinity home. All she did for the next 2-½ weeks was sleep, I never thought that anybody could sleep as much as she did; I mean all she did was eat, sleep & use the bathroom. I tried waking her up on numerous occasions to interact with her, but my attempts were always unsuccessful. After about the 3rd week it seemed like Divinity would sleep during the day, & be awake all night. So our sleep patterns were abruptly restructured. I would sit up with her for hours, looking into her eyes & she would laugh; at times it seemed like for no reason at all. She became my world, I would leave the house & right after I left the door I was rushing back in thinking I missed something important.
This lasted up to Divinity being about 7 months old. That’s when my happy home seemed to disappear. This was due to my girlfriend’s mother wanting Divinity to live with her, so she could be around Divinity. Something I thought would have never had happened, but to my surprise it did. My girlfriend choose moved back to her mother’s house & my happy home seemed to no longer exist. All I could feel was sorrow, anger & resentment. I felt sorrow because I felt like my daughter was being ripped from my arms. I felt anger because I never would of imagined that my girlfriend would allow anything to interfere with our happy home. And I felt resentment because my girlfriend’s mother came & altered the relationship between my daughter & me. To be honest, to this day I still harbor these emotions. I can’t seem to get over the reality that I’m not the father that I always imagined myself to be. I imagined the house with a picket fence, the loving wife & children; you know a real family. But contrary to what I wanted, this was the reality that I was given. The reality was that my child was leaving me, my girlfriend betrayed my trust & I was going to be a “part time” father.
When my girlfriend went back home I was devastated. However I had no idea of the emotional toll this was going to play in my everyday life. For weeks I couldn’t think of anything else but why was this happening to me. I couldn’t visit my daughter for to long because my emotional state was too difficult to contain. I missed my daughter’s 1st word, her 1st steps & all the other stuff that a parent gets to experience. And those memories can never be recaptured. What helped me to adapt to my daughter not being home anymore was mentally disconnecting myself from her. This may sound wrong but the emotional toll that it was taking on me was destroying me. So I had to make the choice that was best for my mental health.
After my daughter moved, my relationship with her mother seemed to leave with them. We split up when my daughter was 10 months old. Our relationship deteriorated for a number of reasons, but mainly because the hurt from her deciding to break up our happy home to please her mother was unforgivable. Our conversation was empty to say the least; the only time we spoke was either for financial support or me requesting to pick Divinity up.
My relationship with my daughter also was strained. Since I wasn’t an everyday figure in her life she didn’t know me. She was timid, quiet & she appeared to be confused about who I was. For a long time I couldn’t handle this but after a few events that occurred during the duration of her life. I learned that I had no control over anything that was happening & as soon as I took this perspective it was like I had an overwhelming amount of peace. Being without her physically didn’t affect me as it had once done before. After much prayer & a lot of patience the Lord mended our relationship, helped me forgive her mother, & taught me how to be the best parent I could be. Now our relationship is great, even though I still don’t get to see her smiling face everyday, I’ve learned to use the time we do get together to show her what life’s about.
In retrospect, writing this essay has brought back a lot of emotions that I forgot about, & some that I tried to forget. But through this essay I’ve learned that the idea of home to me is not dictated by where my daughter is, but it is truly the place that she will always be, in me… Acknowledging this has provided me with the closure that I needed to have to be able to move forward. Although our relationship didn’t work out, I have somewhat forgiven her mother for breaking up what I believed was our happy home. The forgiveness has taken me a long time to do, but everyday we get stronger right? I was asked a question. Is it a home without my daughter? At first I didn’t know how to respond. But in retrospect, looking back at where I’ve come from, to where I am now. I got to say my home has never left abandoned, yes there is a home without my daughter.
posted by Michael Oliver | 12:31 PM
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